You’re an animal. And so are we. We are AN animal. Not two. Well, two, because Fun-Time Shags is with us in the studio. We talk about animals, especially made-up ones, like narwhals, which are real, except for Slugasus, the winged narwhal that dripped all over Lydian mythology back in, what was it, like, 1200 BCE or somethin?
Part 2 again! We did a 2-parter for music, which we love, so here’s a 2-parter of the other thing we love– ourselves. Part one was 79: Rod Stewart Can’t Attend My Funeral, where we read from Joe’s notes. Part 2 is where we read from my tweets. Egregious and self-indulgent. Oh you don’t even know. https://twitter.com/JustBeCousins
No prep random episode made more/less random by reading from Joe’s notebook of brain droppings. Idris Elba, Batman, flatulence, Filthy Mitts, Filthy Mitts II: Dirty Mitts, Filthy Mitts III: Fast Food, and Filthy Mitts IV: Inside Joe’s Brain Droppings (direct by David Lynch).
Music episode part deux. Wrong Island Ice Tea-fueled commentary on, again, mumble rap, plus other anecdotes including sharp analysis of music’s pseudo-punk neo-anarchical reactions to political zeitgeist, a blast-from-the-past ad, and commiseration for those who, burdened by the heavy taint of existence, nevertheless find a way to giggle at the word “taint.”
Music episode. Again. Full disclosure: we go long. First we talk about… crap I can’t remember. It was so long ago! But then we talk about music we like, the difference between Jam Bands and Soloists and Jazz. Yep, two middle-age white guys talking about jam bands and soloists and jazz. But then we up the ante and talk about mumble rap. Yep. That.
In this episode, oh the irony, Joe and Jason come to their Yetis without anything prepared and manage nevertheless to fill an hour dissecting comedy. Dissecting humor. Which is not at all funny. Ironically. And therefore hilarious. And absurd? If your lucky…. (inside joke).
Sports and the sporting life, Joe and Jason sporting wooden thoughts about what it means to be violent men beating opponents and other loved ones to a bloody pulp. The World Cup! Space Balls! The Ragnar Relay! My family tree! Football! Futball! Gooooooooooooooo(etc)al!
May the 74th be with you. Of July. Jason is a genius. Mostly in this non-meta episode the Inebriated Duo ™ talk about something Joe was going to say at the beginning of the show but couldn’t remember. If nothing else, this is prototypical JBC. (Prototypical is an SAT word. Learn it.)
Another meta episode. Meta-meta. Quasi-meta? This time we were going do a show about our future shows, but we ended up talking about previous shows, mostly. That’s so meta. Also we talked about Kate Middleton’s thighs. You know, her name has the letters M, E, T, and A in it. Whoa. Dude.
Happy father’s day! Joe and a very drunk Jason are joined by Timedian and Danger Lee Daniels. We talk about what it means to be a dad. And not a dad. And to want to be a dad and to want to not be a dad. And Jason, who writes these blurbs, got smashed. But Jason just read a book called The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck so he don’t give a sh*t.
Books. We talk about ’em. Robert Sapolsky. Jack Handy. McMafia. we opine that all books are good except for the ones you don’t read. also, books are like sex and grilled cheese sandwiches. Not at the same time. Just each. JT Leroy.
Tonight we go to the movies. Well, we stay home and talk about them. Well, we try, but we get distracted. Nick Cage, movies so bad they’re good, etc. As usual. Same-old same old. Like Police Academy Part XIV. Why fix what ain’t broken?
Last epi was clean, this one is filthy (kind of over the top. You’ve been warned.) We start by talking about every teenagers favorite sex position, then sex in general, then the F-word. We kinda get philosophical about it. I’d like to think that Plato dropped F-bombs.
Clean episode. Absolutely no cursing in this one at all. Listen to it with your kids. With your grandma. With your pastor. Okay there’s some ‘accidental’ cursing, but that’s been bleeped. Most of it. If you hear an errant one, well, that’s fucking life. With special guests Pauline and FT Shags!
Another video game episode, but mostly about video game music. Super C, Factorio, PvZ, HuniPop (I think that’s what it’s called) and a few others. I’m kinda too drunk to remember. We discuss GnR and Evil Empire and there’s an ad and a Larko and a LIVE AFC. We asked Ian to come on the show, but he snubbed us. Dads, right?
This is the “mother’s day” episode. It’s in quotes because, ironically, it’s not a mother’s day episode. But it is. We talk about the Chinese alphabet. Turgidity. Jellies. Accommodation. Bar fights. Montages. You know, mom stuff. Shout outs to moms. And sorry, but I’ve had a lot of wine.
Joe and the two dads ™ are in the remote studio for this epi, drinking the dead guy and sucking down the ‘za. We make up porn names for Star Wars characters and it just gets worse from there. We’re more or less themeless, although there’s a cameo from a guy and a thing where this wookie and this ‘droid go at it, Nuff said. Listen to it twice.
Getting parameta on y’alls behinds. What’s that mean? Why don’t you ask Beck? Or Michael Cera? Or my ex-neighbor Dave? We do it all here on JBC. We talk about chess. Beer. Wanna get meh’ed? Listen to this podcast. Wanna get old wive’s taled? Listen to this podcast. Want to get e. coli? Eat romaine lettuce from Yuma, Arizona.
One of those episodes where we don’t have anything to talk about: hot salad, Ian Sane, ICP, Juggalettes, the superiority of vegans, Timbay playing the djimbe, symmetrical nipples, a certain historical figure’s birthday, weed, waggin your wok, and Daniil Kharms.
What do you get when you have two stupendous human beings join the cousins for their THIRD horror podcast on Friday the 13th? YOU GET AWESOME. You get Fun Time Shags and #1 Pauline. You get voodoo candles that kill men. You get vampires, werewolves and witches. (You don’t get mummies. Screw mummies). JBC is a comedy machete that will slice your ass that you laughed off. Or something.
Full disclosure: this episode is 90 minutes long. Is that 50% more comedy? NO! But we DO talk about our creative process. That’s about as narcissistic as a podcast can be. You’re welcome.
This is our actual 60th episode. No ads, no prepared stuff, to leave room for Jen & Juice, and Dan Jordache, our two super-duper awesome guests. We talk #KetoLife, go Honest Bell Grande, make sweet love to Kelly Ripa, and dissect The Sunday Morning Experience, one of the best podcasts ON THE PLANET.
Another music episode: A YEAR TO THE DAY SINCE OUR FIRST ONE! How does that grab ya? You want us to show you what love is? Its Rasputina, Darling Violetta, Tool, desert rock, the word “dovetail,” Kenny Loggins, special guest Ryan, and sex. If that don’t make your body rock, you’re old. Like, 40.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day! We go for all the cliches. Beer. Green stuff. Goats. Shamrocks. Find out what a convenience store, a rug in a Saudi Arabian mansion, and pub toilet have in common. Come for the limericks, stay for the microaggressions. Erin go braless.
Were sick. So let’s wallow in it. Flu, conjunctivitis, hemorrhaging. We’re so sick, that’s all we can talk about. With a fearless abandon that will infect you. And then you’ll be sick. Then again, let’s face it, you’re probably already pretty sick if you listen to this podcast.
Episode fifty-six, revenge of the podcast, brought to you by the virus my toddler gave me, this beer I’m drinking, shitting on vegans, the Count of Monte Cristo, fun-time Shags, and special guest Ryan, the guy’s who’s voice is so smooth if it was the head of my you-know-what I’d be in more movies.
This show is called “JBC” but, come on, JFC, what an episode! We try to decide what next week’s episode will be about, and brainstorm like there’s no tomorrow… with the help if THREE guests! The inimitable Shags, her paramour Shawn (name spelled wrong to hide his identity), and Joe’s parole officer Pauline. Toilet Paper? Chinese food? Lice? Yeah, we discuss it all. WE DISCUSS IT ALL!
Valentine’s day episode, 8 days late. So what. We talked about The Disaster Artist (been there, done that) Joe’s engagement story, squatty potty, the wonder and magic of KFC, and the fucking FCC. Yes, we briefly mention the mother fucking FCC.
Philosophy. What is philosophy. Is your philosophy that you get to define “philosophy” however you want? Or do you cotton to a more tradition definition of philosophy. Specials guests Leon D and F.T. Shags. We find bliss by the end of the show. You might not. Or you might. That’s philosophy.
Sports. Again. But this time from the point of view of spectatorship (see what I did there?) We get tangential on this one, circumstantial, AND circumcisional. We talk about the Superbowl of course, and in good sports tradition, we get a little sexist, a little racist. Shout out to special cameo guests Ryan, Jennifer and Pauline. And Joe’s balls.
Locked and loaded. It’s a brand new podcast. We’re starting all over, and talking about brand-news subjects. Clean humor! Dildos! That time I worked in a mitten factory! Good time Shags and her evisceration of those guys that time and Joe’s reaction. You’ll laugh your tits off.
Recorded on Friday but posted on Sunday, because we got a REAL ENGINEER who has made the show sound super sweet. BUT, that means I don’t remember what we talked about. Muskrats? Huey Lewis and the News? OMG, just got a brilliant idea: a parody cover band called Louie Lewis and the Fake News. I’m telling the guys at Larko about this. They can make just about anything. PS: this is our last show. But we’re starting a new podcast next week, and we’ll use the same name and start the numbering at 51.
Okay. Listen. This episode has four awesome people in the SAME FLIPPIN ROOM. Yes, we talk about fellatio. And then anecdotes. We discuss important matters of the heart. The audio gets all messed up and we obviously have no idea what we’re doing but we laugh our hearty balls off and that’s all that flippin matters. PS. Shags? OMG.
The pre-penultimate episode in terms of episode of 50. Mostly we talk about how tired we are with 2017, how we’re looking forward to 2018, Joe’s 40th birthday, how we’re going to handle it. I’m not really sure what we else we talked about. Or guests are awesome… better than we are… maybe they should be the show… on their own… I dunno… anyone wanna go get tacos?
Do NOT listen to the episode without a doctor’s permissions because you will laugh your parts off. ALL OF THEM! Joe collected the best montages, intros, ads, and arguments, and we had our guests vote on their favorites, featuring Shags, Ian, Uncle, and… wait for it… TIMEDIAN. Holy moldy. People. I may have to go to the hospital.
The Xmas Episode. We start off by trying to guess what we would have given each other if we were going to give each other something. Then bestiality. Then Home Alone 2 and Crampus. We finish off with Justin Bieber’s Little Drummer Boy. You’re welcome.
Ian in the house! We talked about how cool it would be to either a) get a blow-job while juggling three Rubik’s cubes and solving them, or b) give a blow-job while juggling three Rubik’s cubes and solving them. Then beer. And being dads. Then we talked about irony. Larko is back, as well as an ad from Strokin’ Bob and an Argument for Cancellation. Altogether, kind of a dick of an episode.
First of all, fuck the Republicans and their tax bill. That’s not what this episode is about; I just needed to say it. What this episode IS about is: Dee Snider. Sort of. For a little bit. Also Christmas songs: they should all be heavy metal’ed. Then we talk about Ernie Cline’s little tome, Ready Player One. And then Steve Sissou. Not sure if that’s how you spell his name, but I’m not much of a typer anyway so it doesn’t matter.
JBC has never recorded on Thanksgiving day itself and we’re not going to start now. Thus, a Friday recording. We have the two uncles, and we talk about thanksgivings past, all of them moist, and I’m going to apologize right now about how bad the audio is, but hey, we only worked two hours on it.
Mostly we talk in this one about how we would not abuse our power like those assholes in Hollywood, even though we probably wood. Not because we would want to, but because we’re assholes too. All men are assholes. No, this is not acceptable. I can’t remember what else we talked about. Some guy named Josh I think.
Shaggs is back. We sic her on Pod Gods and she ululates. That’s a real word, look it up. We three wise people discuss Jennys (not the gin kind (unless they’re bartenders (is that a pun?))) and jendehs and pay for play and that one time at the airport. I mean, fuck Phoenix, am I right? Scream at the sky, because we recorded this on Wednesday, btw.
Holy crap. We’ve done forty episodes. I mean come on. And yeah, we talk about the usual nonsense. Like how hot woman in their 40s are. We use words like simpatico and fait acompli. We discuss what happens when a certain part of your body goes into another part of your body and there’s, like an infinity thing happening, or one of those ouroboros things.Yeah. And we mention Fabio too. ARE WE FREAKIN’ GOOD AT THIS OR WHAT?
Halloween episode, chicken pluckers! This one doesn’t get good until about 45 minutes in or so. But before that we discuss Joe’s hit film, 7 Years a Ninja, and the we talk a lot about haunted houses, you know, the ones where you pay them and you walk through it, and it’s like, you know. “scary.” Then there’s our Pumpkin Spice Latte discussion, a long bit about Katy Perry… again… And a shout out to Papawaski! Poll: whats it called when a woman assaults you with her boobies? I mean besides awesome?
We are thrilled to bring into the studio the first lady of JBC: SHAGS. (We are required by contract to capitalize her name like that. Has something to do with her status as a Felebrity.) This is the first podcast SHAGS has ever done. We talk about the Middle East, and Jews, and LA, and Comic-Con, and things that are Harry, and holes, and wine out the noise… you know, girl stuff. SHAGS is hilarious. And she could totally kick Barbara Streisand’s ass.
So, here’s the thing. We were recording last Wednesday the 11th. Right in the middle, my PC’s power supply shot craps. 30 minutes of show, gone. This is the make-up episode, recorded on Monday the 16th. I’m trying to recover the lost episode. Might take some time. In this episode, Joe fell through a ceiling. I mean, it was not a good week for JBC.
This is (another) bareback episode, with sauce. Sauce is a Larko ad. And that’s it. We do talk about a certain part of the anatomy, a lot, and running, a lot, and we complain about how bad we are at all of this, as usual. That’s the spice on the sauce. It’s a spicy sauce, the sauce that’s on our bare backs. Or something. God I need a drink.
On this podcast we talk about podcasts we love, with special guest Ian Sane. The Tim Ferris (cheepcheep) Show, Planet Money, Common Sense, This American (cheepcheepcheep) Life, S-Town, Sword and Scale, Waking(cheepcheep is that a cricket?) Up, WTF & The Nerdist, This American Life, Radio Lab(cheepcheepcheep no seriously where is that coming from?) , Serial. The Rickey Gervais Show, Brit Pod, The (cheepcheep goddamnit) Angry Chicken, The Bugle, Criminal, The Allusionist, Benjamin(cheepcheepcheep god fucking damnit it is it getting louder?) Walker’s Theory of Everything, 99% Invisible(cheepcheep shut up! fucking-) , Trump Con Law, 2 Dope Queens (cheepcheepcheep WHERE IS THAT FUCKING CRICKET!?)
Fight! Joe and Jason fight! It’s sardonic, and sarcastic, and bombastic, and elaphantastique. Punches thrown. Kicks proffered. Jabs and such. Oh the humanity. Oh the humility. Oh the herbal tea. Full disclosure: canned episode recorded weeks ago and offered today since Jason is on vacation.
On this episode we go commando. And yet we manage to talk about our stanky underpants. And then we Wikipedia bands named after places in the world, like Kansas, and Asia (who are not from Asia). And then there’s Graham Crackers. Also, who knew Michelle Yeoh was 55? I’d still let her kick my ass. “Let.” I’d pay her in marshmallows.
MY WEBHOST WENT DOWN AND WE LOST THIS POST SO AM I REPOSTING I’M SORRY I WROTE SOMETHING BRILLIANT IN THIS SPACE BUT NOW ITS LOST THESE ARE REAL TEARS NO SERIOUSLY.
Welcome to the podcast this week’s guest: Moonshine Pete. He voted for Trump. On purpose. And he was sober. I know, right? MsP makes some good points, and Jason rants like some kind of alt-centrist rally marcher equipped with a soggy paper megaphone and some scented tiki candles. Good times!
This is the book episode where we discuss tomes and tomage, and the nature of publishing in our hyper-forward world of electronic convenience. What passes for literacy? We don’t use the word “balderdash” or “conflagration” at any point in this episode, but we do sound like robots besieged by spotty bandwidth. Sorry, Katy.
Another random episode where we talk very specifically about Macho Man Randy Savage, Improv, and how good we are making a bad podcast. If you only listen to one episode of our podcast, and it’s this one, then you won’t have not heard it. That’s a guarantee, jimbo.
Nicknames. Did you know “nickname” is a nickname for the word sobriquet? What’s your porn name? Your wrestling name? Your roller derby name? Do YOU know how Facebook advertising works? And which season was the one where Jon Snow didn’t know anything according to that redhead from Downton Abbey, you know, the one with the guy was the Beast in the Beauty and the Beast who, in fact, had horns? What’s the deal with conviction? It’s scary is what it is.
Our brains have shat down. We’re tired. Life! The only thing that gets us through is music. So we going to talk about music. 27 times. What is it about the number 27? Something about Jim Carey if I’m not mistaken. Okay not really. Anyway. ROCK!
The two boys are three for a night, with featured guest Tim the Timedian, the funniest mo-fo on the East Coast. Mo fo stayed up past midnight to record this pile of dog’s saliva! This is the comedy episode. We talk about comedy. Also Joe obscenitizes a John Cougar. Before he was Mellencamp. Not sure if I spelled that right. Aw who cares, not like he’s gonna listen to this anyway.
The sports episode. We talk about sports. We talk about running, football, racquetball, fantasy hack-sack, tommy john’s surgery. And also a certain move you can do with your little batter and your lady’s fun globes. And do I need to say speed bag nut sack? No, I don’t think I do.
This is what happens when we are too lazy to prepare: we talk about drugs. And music, of course, because don’t we always? Ian Sane joins us once more, and tells some stories. Oh, and, full disclosure: I get Georgia O’Keefe confused with Flannery O’Conner. It’s Ministry’s and Vicodin’s fault.
Are you emotional? Probably not. You have total control over your feelings. You’re a stoic. You’re a robot. But not us. We’re emotional messes, and we really need to figure ourselves out, like, now, before we do more unfortunate things to chimichangas. And gorditas. And chalupas? Oh god, the things we’ve done to chalupas.
Sorry, we got serious again. We’re just so overcome with this perversity. I mean the perversity of consumerism. Consumption. Disneyland. Did you know “consumption” is slang for tuberculosis? Slang is the wrong word. But think about. Just. Think. About. It.
Our podcast is old enough to drink. If weeks were years. Anyway. In this random episode, we talk about: rock n roll dreams, what kinda Taco Bell Manager Joe is, Millennial Pattern Baldness(tm), Narcissism (again) in the digital age, the time Joe lost a shoe a Ministry mosh pit, Plato’s cave (again), beating gramma, prostitotes [sic] and the grape clip. Enjoy.
This show is a crime. You know it, we know; but thankfully, since no one listens to this show, the po-po don’t know it. So we talk about crime (it’s a meta thing) and crime shows and the time Joe got mugged and we don’t talk Katy Perry or Ariana Grande, which is itself a crime.
Insofar as the learned counsel cannot derive the fullest succour from any quotidian acquiesence, and given its sinew suffering partial dissipation from an imminent display occurring in the impunged pronouncement, hereat wherewithin unravelments are held qua the rendition recorded by the learned adictee of callypigian proclivities.
This was the “no prep” episode but we ended up talking about music, mostly. Kip Winger… there’s way more there than we thought. Gary Clark Jr. … he’s doing Lincoln ads. And some non music stuff: Dracula gets his ass kicked for spraying pepper spray at a frat party in Boulder. Roberto Matta was born on November 11th, 1911. “Reach Down” is a track on the Temple of the Dog album that lasts 11:11. Micro aggressions. Philosophy and shit. Coolio. Anacondas. We did NOT talk about Katy Perry, not even once. Sad.
(Joe is peeing as I type this). The video game episode. We mostly talk about Battletoads. We have Ian Sane on, as he industry experience. We talk about Twitch, and kids these days, with their fidget spinners and their Minecraft. Amiright? Medal of Honor, Super Meat Boy, and, you know. BJs. We mention Bjs. Not gonna lie. BJs.
The uncle episode, where we talk about uncles, with special guest: Joe’s uncle, Lee Daniels, talking about Jason’ uncle, Lee’s brother, and other uncles, and there’s a story about sitting on chickens, and there’s one about ordinance bouncing all over the place, and Mr. Tea, and… oh yeah, this is easily the lowest quality audio production yet. You’ve been “warned.”
Well, we recorded today. A day earlier. Supposed to be about food. Was more about puke, really. Stories about Norway, chicken and waffles, donuts, chili, chocolate shakes, a really bad Mexican accent… oh yeah, happy Cisco de Mayo y’all. May the third be with you.
This is the meta podcast. We talk about the podcast. We talk about talking about the meta podcast. We have TWO montages! We laugh our goddamn asses off! I don’t know if I need to say anything else…
The Cabin Woods is the ultimate horror movie.
Joe and Jason love scary shit. That scene in the Exorcist III. The Paranormal Activity series. Babadook! Stephen King! Pet mufuckin Sematary, ninja! We talk– no, we infuse our love of all that goofy nonsense. And we laugh our asses off. Clown, Dead End; we don’t even get close to talking about the tip of the iceberg that is how masterful what horror movies is. Are. I’m drunk, shut up.
Seriously? Skip to minute 41 if you want to laugh, because then it gets funny. Before that? Blasphemy. Good old fashioned satan-worshipping blasphemy. And that’s rock n roll. That’s America! We talk about religion, and when I say “talk” I mean we rant, and when I say “rant” I mean we drink way too much and blather like idiots. Which basically makes us priests. So, you know… suck it, pope.
Sex and relationships. We talk about these things, but not the same way we talked about vaginas on episode whatever it was. We’re talking wholesome goodness like your mom would appreciate (yeah, you know she’d appreciate it. She’d appreciate it all night long. And so would your dad. Thank ’em for that; it’s how you got procreated). Also on this episode, special guest Ian Sane talks about getting kicked out of tenth grade three years in a row, and then after the show was over, when we stopped recording, things got really funny.
Episode Ten! Ten episodes in a row, mother-ninjas. In this episode we talk about komodo dragons, running, gibson guitars, microphones, Bree Olson, episode ten, masturbation socks, Joe’s dogh, Carl’s Jr, Disneyland, and we don’t talk about: when Jason is drunk, typing “Disneyland” is REALLY hard to do. Because that’s just, like, a universal truth.
This is the music episode! All we do is talk about music! It’s not very well organized! It’s kind of all over the map! Like I’d be all over your mom if I wasn’t married and your mom wasn’t married and we were in a situation that was mutually satisfactory and she was hot and willing and maybe a little drunk! Also Jason redeems his Irish accent fail and Joe makes yet another excellent argument for cancellation! Lots of exclamation points.
In this episode, it’s all about Joe! And Saint Patrick’s Day, and what one can do in one’s own pants if one drinks enough and eats the wrong things. Also, Joe “obscentitizes” a song, and Jason more or loses it.
(Wanna hear Joe’s version of “Fast Car”? Here it is. Also, we immortalized it on the Royce Koch page.
Joe and the Jason spend the entire episode talking about whether they should post this early or not, as it was recorded last Sunday. They also spend the entire episode talking about whether they need a theme or not. Also they talk about anatomy. Also they talk about talking about the show. The entire time. Jason is less drunk in this one.
